eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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