Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
