I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
