I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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