there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
