am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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