Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Who died my cat blue again?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
