come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
