do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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