Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He felt like a one man threesome
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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