maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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