yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
