people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
