Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
