what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
