i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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