the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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