Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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