My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
