If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
