I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
