in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize