the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize