I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
