I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
