she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize