i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize