Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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