he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
