did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
