God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
