You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
