I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
