I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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