if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
