we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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