My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
