sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
