party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize