Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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