one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
