That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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