A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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