just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
