she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
