I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I need a burrito and a hug.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
