OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want nice things and good sex
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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