Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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