It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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