She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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