dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
