I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
