i think my tv is drunk
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
