Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
