So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I looked at my own cervix.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
