I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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